Who You are?
Do you know who you are?
Or what you are going to be?
It's morning, you still struggling to wake up at 9 AM and promising yourself to sleep early tonight. You know you won’t be. You drag yourself out of bed, after repeated alarm refused to snooze anymore, and leave the blanket as is. You pick up your phone from under the pillow and remove earphones, some song is still playing, and you stop it and start reading dozens of notification one by one. In no time you feel the need of warm coffee. You enter kitchen and see if there is any water left in the carafe of your coffee machine. You refill it and turn it on. The mellow flavour of coffee kicks in and you wake a little more.
You stand there, near the kitchen floor, looking at the clutter and relate it to your own life. This is the time when you feel if there was some music to calm you down. You find a playlist of Coldplay on YouTube and press play. The soothing acoustic helps you think over the things and calm you down to some extent.
You wonder where you are headed to. You are just standing in the kitchen, waiting for the coffee to boil down in carafe, and thinking about the work you have in office today, book you read last night, movie you watched last weekend, trip you took last month, friend you met last year, life you lived last decade.
All of a sudden, like flowers in spring after winter, your memories have started to appear from nowhere.
You hear beeps from the coffee machine; it saved your thoughts for a while. You pour the brownish coffee and add a small spoonful of sugar to compensate for the bitterness of your life. And wonder if you should go back to bedroom or just stand here in the kitchen. By now the playlist is playing 'Paradise' and you are remembering the time you had long time ago. You somehow lost the sense of belonging. You don't feel home in your own home, not in your rented apartment, not in your real home, nowhere.
You don't remember anyone who would be thinking about you the way someone thought year ago. You don't remember them either. You take the first sip of your coffee and realize it's too bitter, but you don't care about it. And you don't know why either. You start moving back to bedroom, where the clutter awaits, and realize you left your phone in the kitchen. You rush and bring it back and turn on the TV. There is mostly nothing on TV, and news is always horrible. You flip through the channels and turn it off after a while. Your playlist is at "A Sky Full of Stars" and you recall the trip to mountains where you had a sense of belonging to the infinite stars shining in the night sky. But it ended abruptly, because you didn't have much leaves, and work was piled up like never before. An escape, little escape.
You wonder if you are trapped in your own thoughts or it's just one of the lets-escape-episodes you keep on having. You know you won't be leaving. There are infinite things to accomplish, and social obligations to meet. You don't want to let down those so many people who have nothing to do with your struggle and fight; they just want to see things their way...
You don't remember when you were twenty-one and how you reached from there to here. Life was strange then, its stranger now, and it's not going to be any better in future either. You coffee is about to end, so is the playlist, but the train of your thoughts is not giving up. You look at the clock, it's already past 11 AM and you are late as usual. You leave the coffee mug in your bedroom and rush to get ready. Shower is turned warmer in the summer. You curse the weather, and come out as early as possible, and grab first shirt from your wardrobe, it has a few wrinkles, but you can live with it. Your trousers from yesterday are hanging behind the door and you don't have time to iron another, so you wear them. A purple shirt and grey trousers, and a quick comb on wet hair makes you ready for the work. You grab your phone, keys, and ID card and lock the house and leave for another day.
That's all your life is. That's all. All your life.